Cabbage Pop Recipe

Dear Quaid,

A friend told me that you give good medical advice so,I am posing a medical question: Last week I was feeling a pang in my stomach that just wouldn't quit. I finally went to the bathroom where I experienced a 2-hour, bloody, and very painful bowel movement. When I had finished I looked in the bowl and it looked funny so, I reached in and grabbed a hunk of it. It had the consistency of half-mixed Jell-O No-Bake Cheesecake Mix®. There were hard balls in it that broke into a fine powder. I picked out several of the hard little balls to show my friends. I also sent a couple of balls in my letter for your examination. Should I be concerned?


Lefty Cartwright
McAlester, OK


Lefty, my friend, Upon examination of the hard little balls you found in your stool, I can only conclude that you are suffering from a rare bowel disorder known as Fecal Dehydration Syndrome, FDS. Most doctors would recommend a colostomy operation. I, on the other hand, feel as though this is unnecessary. FDS can be treated by using the following recipe:

Quaid's Frozen Cabbage Pops®
8¼ oz. goat milk
1¾ large heads of moldy cabbage.
2½ cans of Van Camp's® Pork and Beans
1¾ gallon sour 2% milk (at least 1 week old)
1½ lb. chopped broccoli stems
5 Tupperware® 8 position Popsicle molds
Yield 40 Frozen Cabbage Pops®, & 50-60 Cabbage Suppositories®, & Approx. 1½ pints Warm Cabbage Cocktails®.

Bring goat milk, 2%milk and Pork and Beans to a boil in a large Teflon© coated pot. Smash beans and lumpy milk with a potato masher. It is important to use only Van Camp's® Pork and Beans due to the texture of the beans. Using another brand or a generic brand may produce undesirable results. Cut cabbage into quarters and drop into pot. Use blender or food processor to puree broccoli stems. Use only the stems. Using the leafy part of the plant could cause even more intestinal problems. Stir them into pot slowly. Lower heat and simmer for 6-10 hours. (You may want to go to a movie or something cause the smell is awful) This process should also kill all the roaches in your house.

Mixture should be dark brown in color when finished. Using sterilized salad tongs, extract the cabbage leaves. These can now be used as rectal suppositories if you have hemorrhoids, or they can be dried, ground and smoked like marijuana for a pleasant hallucinogenic buzz. Pour liquid mixture into Popsicle molds and freeze. Un-frozen leftovers can be served in a variety of ways including: A nice soup, a pain relieving salve, an antibacterial ointment or, oven cleaner. (Send $13.95 and SASE for my 30-page color booklet: "101 Uses for Quaid's Frozen Cabbage Pop® Recipe" by Quaid Davis.)

Treatment:
One hour before a bowel movement, insert a Frozen Cabbage Pop® into your rectum until completely melted. Defecate as normal. Repeat process with each bowel movement until your feces is smooth and free of hard balls. Treatment usually takes 12-16 weeks. If condition persists, you may try eating the cabbage pops in addition to putting them in your rectum.

Best wishes,
QD