Big Love

Quaid,
I am a 42 year old divorced woman who has recently discovered my homosexuality. Unfortunately, in my years of self-neglect, my weight has escalated to upwards of 900lbs and I am unable to get a date. I fear that I will die and be buried in a piano box before I can experience true sexual pleasure. What would you suggest?

Big Love.

You poor poor woman, I can truly sympathize with your situation. Not only did I battle obesity as a young man, I also struggled with my innermost emotional hang-ups. It really sucked in high school not knowing whether I wanted to peep into the boys, or girl's locker room. When I finally came to terms with my bisexuality in my senior year, I was so overweight, I couldn't tie my own shoes. After losing all that extra weight, it took me another year for me to figure out whether I wanted to pitch or catch when I was with a gay partner. The way I see it you have three choices:

1. Begin a rigorous training program and shed those extra 800lbs.

2. Seek out an obese woman such as yourself for plutonic companion ship. (Sex would of course be physically impossible)

3. Kill yourself. If you continue gaining weight, you will need to be buried in a U-haul trailer, which is much more expensive than a piano box.

If you choose Option 1, do not attempt to use a Stair Master until you have dropped to 400lbs. or less. I broke a Stair Master when I was losing weight and it cost $375.00 to repair.

Good luck!
QD