Lefty

Dear Quaid,
Sometimes I like to masturbate with my left hand because it feels like someone else. Does this mean I am gay?

Quincy Pepper
Eugene, OR

Quincy, my good fellow,
Some people would say that you are indeed a flaming homosexual. I, on the other hand, feel as though there is a fine line between homosexuality and perversion. You have crossed the line my friend. You should seek some private psychiatric consultation as soon as possible.

Write back when you get treatment.
QD