The Flatulent Diet

Quaid,
I have searched Encyclopedia Britannica and the Internet for the answer to my questions: Why is poop brown and how come it is not always the same shade and consistency? Why do farts stink and how come they are loud sometimes and quiet other times? How can I increase my daily fart count? Why isn't this information readily available?
Thank You.

Jochaim Van Jovi
Broken Arrow, OK

Jochaim, my friend,
You must be a very bizarre man, nevertheless, I researched and came up with answers for your very intriguing questions. I would love to meet you and discuss these subjects in depth over dinner and a movie.

Answer 1: After your body is done using a blood cell, it will die and a new blood cell will replace it. Your body will take apart the old blood cell and use the chemicals in it to do more work. It will also throw out the stuff it's done using. A chemical called bilirubin (bill-e-ROO-bin) is made when your body takes old blood cells apart. And bilirubin is brown. That's where the brown comes from.

Your health and diet has a lot to do with the brown-ness and consistency. If you're not well, the color can change. That’s one way of knowing if you're healthy. For example, traces of red and green in your stool could be a sign of cancer or some other disease. When you get old you will not be able to control your bowel movements. Most people over 50 years use a colostomy bag, which is a clever device that hangs around your waist to collect your excrement.

Answer 2: This question was the #1 question the Beakman's World TV show received. That's why I think you deserve an answer.

The formal word for farts it is flatulence (FLA-chu-lentz). People don't use that word much, however. Flatulence is mostly air mixed with the gas methane. Other gases mixed in are the stuff that make it smell. Methane doesn't have a smell.

There are ring-shaped muscles all along our digestive system. They open and close all the time without our knowing about it. They are called sphincters (SFINK-turs). If you hold those ring muscles tight, it'll be loud when you pass gas. If your ring muscles are relaxed, it will be quiet.

Answer 3: If you would like to increase your fart output, here are some helpful tips:
* Drink more carbonated beverages.
* If you have lactose intolerance, increase your intake of milk and milk products
* Eat more gas producing foods like cauliflower, brussel sprouts, bran, beans, broccoli and cabbage
* Add large amounts of fiber to your diet
* Cut down on (or if possible, eliminate) all exercise-especially any aerobic activity
* Increase the amount of air intake into the stomach this can be done by:

Chewing gum or tobacco
Smoking cigarettes
Ask your dentist to provide you with poorly fitting dental implants or dentures.

Answer 4: The reason you could not find the answers to your questions is because the government has made its very best effort to suppress the information as a matter of national security. When I was with the C.I.A. I was on a task force that arrested people for talking about poop and farts. It is a very sensitive subject. Even today, it is considered taboo to discuss human fecal matter in public. In some states it is illegal to even flatuate in public. Fortunately, this publication is uncensored and encourages freedom of speech as well as freedom of wind.

Great question!
QD