Dear Quaid,
I like to drive around on sunny days and shoot people with a spray bottle filled with pee. Last week I inadvertently squirted an off duty police officer. After a dangerous high-speed chase, he caught me right in front of my house. He proceeded to pistol whip me, and leave me for dead. Is there a possibility of suing him and/or the police department for my hospital bills?
Ima P Bagg
Buckeye, WV
Ima, my dear,
While some people enjoy being sprayed with pee, most of us do not. A young girl with a bottle of dog pee squirted me when I lived in Cambodia. I pulled out my .357 Magnum and shot her right in the face. You should count your blessings and in the future, try to be more careful whom you squirt.
Regards,
QD
The Flatulent Diet
Quaid,
I have searched Encyclopedia Britannica and the Internet for the answer to my questions: Why is poop brown and how come it is not always the same shade and consistency? Why do farts stink and how come they are loud sometimes and quiet other times? How can I increase my daily fart count? Why isn't this information readily available?
Thank You.
Jochaim Van Jovi
Broken Arrow, OK
Jochaim, my friend,
You must be a very bizarre man, nevertheless, I researched and came up with answers for your very intriguing questions. I would love to meet you and discuss these subjects in depth over dinner and a movie.
Answer 1: After your body is done using a blood cell, it will die and a new blood cell will replace it. Your body will take apart the old blood cell and use the chemicals in it to do more work. It will also throw out the stuff it's done using. A chemical called bilirubin (bill-e-ROO-bin) is made when your body takes old blood cells apart. And bilirubin is brown. That's where the brown comes from.
Your health and diet has a lot to do with the brown-ness and consistency. If you're not well, the color can change. That’s one way of knowing if you're healthy. For example, traces of red and green in your stool could be a sign of cancer or some other disease. When you get old you will not be able to control your bowel movements. Most people over 50 years use a colostomy bag, which is a clever device that hangs around your waist to collect your excrement.
Answer 2: This question was the #1 question the Beakman's World TV show received. That's why I think you deserve an answer.
The formal word for farts it is flatulence (FLA-chu-lentz). People don't use that word much, however. Flatulence is mostly air mixed with the gas methane. Other gases mixed in are the stuff that make it smell. Methane doesn't have a smell.
There are ring-shaped muscles all along our digestive system. They open and close all the time without our knowing about it. They are called sphincters (SFINK-turs). If you hold those ring muscles tight, it'll be loud when you pass gas. If your ring muscles are relaxed, it will be quiet.
Answer 3: If you would like to increase your fart output, here are some helpful tips:
* Drink more carbonated beverages.
* If you have lactose intolerance, increase your intake of milk and milk products
* Eat more gas producing foods like cauliflower, brussel sprouts, bran, beans, broccoli and cabbage
* Add large amounts of fiber to your diet
* Cut down on (or if possible, eliminate) all exercise-especially any aerobic activity
* Increase the amount of air intake into the stomach this can be done by:
Chewing gum or tobacco
Smoking cigarettes
Ask your dentist to provide you with poorly fitting dental implants or dentures.
Answer 4: The reason you could not find the answers to your questions is because the government has made its very best effort to suppress the information as a matter of national security. When I was with the C.I.A. I was on a task force that arrested people for talking about poop and farts. It is a very sensitive subject. Even today, it is considered taboo to discuss human fecal matter in public. In some states it is illegal to even flatuate in public. Fortunately, this publication is uncensored and encourages freedom of speech as well as freedom of wind.
Great question!
QD
I have searched Encyclopedia Britannica and the Internet for the answer to my questions: Why is poop brown and how come it is not always the same shade and consistency? Why do farts stink and how come they are loud sometimes and quiet other times? How can I increase my daily fart count? Why isn't this information readily available?
Thank You.
Jochaim Van Jovi
Broken Arrow, OK
Jochaim, my friend,
You must be a very bizarre man, nevertheless, I researched and came up with answers for your very intriguing questions. I would love to meet you and discuss these subjects in depth over dinner and a movie.
Answer 1: After your body is done using a blood cell, it will die and a new blood cell will replace it. Your body will take apart the old blood cell and use the chemicals in it to do more work. It will also throw out the stuff it's done using. A chemical called bilirubin (bill-e-ROO-bin) is made when your body takes old blood cells apart. And bilirubin is brown. That's where the brown comes from.
Your health and diet has a lot to do with the brown-ness and consistency. If you're not well, the color can change. That’s one way of knowing if you're healthy. For example, traces of red and green in your stool could be a sign of cancer or some other disease. When you get old you will not be able to control your bowel movements. Most people over 50 years use a colostomy bag, which is a clever device that hangs around your waist to collect your excrement.
Answer 2: This question was the #1 question the Beakman's World TV show received. That's why I think you deserve an answer.
The formal word for farts it is flatulence (FLA-chu-lentz). People don't use that word much, however. Flatulence is mostly air mixed with the gas methane. Other gases mixed in are the stuff that make it smell. Methane doesn't have a smell.
There are ring-shaped muscles all along our digestive system. They open and close all the time without our knowing about it. They are called sphincters (SFINK-turs). If you hold those ring muscles tight, it'll be loud when you pass gas. If your ring muscles are relaxed, it will be quiet.
Answer 3: If you would like to increase your fart output, here are some helpful tips:
* Drink more carbonated beverages.
* If you have lactose intolerance, increase your intake of milk and milk products
* Eat more gas producing foods like cauliflower, brussel sprouts, bran, beans, broccoli and cabbage
* Add large amounts of fiber to your diet
* Cut down on (or if possible, eliminate) all exercise-especially any aerobic activity
* Increase the amount of air intake into the stomach this can be done by:
Chewing gum or tobacco
Smoking cigarettes
Ask your dentist to provide you with poorly fitting dental implants or dentures.
Answer 4: The reason you could not find the answers to your questions is because the government has made its very best effort to suppress the information as a matter of national security. When I was with the C.I.A. I was on a task force that arrested people for talking about poop and farts. It is a very sensitive subject. Even today, it is considered taboo to discuss human fecal matter in public. In some states it is illegal to even flatuate in public. Fortunately, this publication is uncensored and encourages freedom of speech as well as freedom of wind.
Great question!
QD
Lefty
Dear Quaid,
Sometimes I like to masturbate with my left hand because it feels like someone else. Does this mean I am gay?
Quincy Pepper
Eugene, OR
Quincy, my good fellow,
Some people would say that you are indeed a flaming homosexual. I, on the other hand, feel as though there is a fine line between homosexuality and perversion. You have crossed the line my friend. You should seek some private psychiatric consultation as soon as possible.
Write back when you get treatment.
QD
Sometimes I like to masturbate with my left hand because it feels like someone else. Does this mean I am gay?
Quincy Pepper
Eugene, OR
Quincy, my good fellow,
Some people would say that you are indeed a flaming homosexual. I, on the other hand, feel as though there is a fine line between homosexuality and perversion. You have crossed the line my friend. You should seek some private psychiatric consultation as soon as possible.
Write back when you get treatment.
QD
Aids and Flatulence
Quaid,
I have a neighbor who has a son who is H.I.V. positive. Two weeks ago my sister-in law and I were over at her house for a neighborhood watch meeting, and her son entered the room. I didn't even suspect anything until he bared his rear end to the entire group. He proceeded to fart very loudly. It sounded like a nearly empty Windex bottle, as he sprayed the unprepared crowd with his foul inner gas. Then, I couldn't believe it, he pooped! Right there on the floor! His mother then came in and just picked up the gooey mess with her bare hands as quickly as she could scooping it up as if it were nothing.
Needless to say I was shocked but I just sat there and minded my own business as she was spraying some air freshener. Later I began to wonder: Can you catch the A.I.D.S. virus by smelling a carriers farts? One must certainly not touch the stool of a carrier should they?
Margaret Lemke
Pryor, OK
Margaret, you poor poor woman,
Fortunately,you cannot catch A.I.D.S. by breathing a carriers flatulence. However, the virus could possibly be transmitted in the stool and most likely, if your hostess served you food after touching the stool, you could be infected as well. On the shiny side though, once infected the risk of re-infection is minimized. As an example, A few years ago I was exposed to the A.I.D.S. virus when I worked in clinical research in the Philippines. I have yet to be infected again.
Best wishes,
QD
I have a neighbor who has a son who is H.I.V. positive. Two weeks ago my sister-in law and I were over at her house for a neighborhood watch meeting, and her son entered the room. I didn't even suspect anything until he bared his rear end to the entire group. He proceeded to fart very loudly. It sounded like a nearly empty Windex bottle, as he sprayed the unprepared crowd with his foul inner gas. Then, I couldn't believe it, he pooped! Right there on the floor! His mother then came in and just picked up the gooey mess with her bare hands as quickly as she could scooping it up as if it were nothing.
Needless to say I was shocked but I just sat there and minded my own business as she was spraying some air freshener. Later I began to wonder: Can you catch the A.I.D.S. virus by smelling a carriers farts? One must certainly not touch the stool of a carrier should they?
Margaret Lemke
Pryor, OK
Margaret, you poor poor woman,
Fortunately,you cannot catch A.I.D.S. by breathing a carriers flatulence. However, the virus could possibly be transmitted in the stool and most likely, if your hostess served you food after touching the stool, you could be infected as well. On the shiny side though, once infected the risk of re-infection is minimized. As an example, A few years ago I was exposed to the A.I.D.S. virus when I worked in clinical research in the Philippines. I have yet to be infected again.
Best wishes,
QD
The Pervert
Dear Quaid,
I really need your help. There is this girl I really want to meet but I never know what to say. This girl is so pretty that ever time I see her; she makes my sticker peck out.
Sam Wilson
Tulsa, OK
Sam, my friend, I think that the first thing that you should do is see a counselor at your church. You are far too disturbed to help via this column. Second, you should take up bowling. Bowling has been proven to curb the psychopathic desires of men like Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, Son of Sam, and myself.
Best of luck my friend.
QD
I really need your help. There is this girl I really want to meet but I never know what to say. This girl is so pretty that ever time I see her; she makes my sticker peck out.
Sam Wilson
Tulsa, OK
Sam, my friend, I think that the first thing that you should do is see a counselor at your church. You are far too disturbed to help via this column. Second, you should take up bowling. Bowling has been proven to curb the psychopathic desires of men like Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, Son of Sam, and myself.
Best of luck my friend.
QD
Beans and Flatulence
Quaid,
I have been in a running argument with my dumb-ass brother for 13 years. We have come to the point of not speaking to each other and I would really like the matter settled once and for all. Please help! Do beans really warrant their reputation as a fart maker? Does excitement enhance farting? Is garlic a gas producer as well?
J.J. Walker
New Rochelle, NY
J.J. my friend,
I usually avoid answering these types of questions but in the best interests of family harmony, I will try to help.
Question 1: YES. Beans and other pulses (dried edible seeds) contain an antipyretic factor that interferes with the digestion of proteins. The undigested protein is. worked on by bacteria to produce flatus. Fried foods also produce a lot of gas because they are so difficult to digest; a lot is left for the bacteria to work on.
Question 2: YES. Anything that speeds food through the digestive system (as excitement does) will create undigested food material reaching the colon, creating a feast for bacteria.
Question 3: Garlic inhibits the growth of bacteria and therefore REDUCES the amount of flatus.
Good Question!
QD
I have been in a running argument with my dumb-ass brother for 13 years. We have come to the point of not speaking to each other and I would really like the matter settled once and for all. Please help! Do beans really warrant their reputation as a fart maker? Does excitement enhance farting? Is garlic a gas producer as well?
J.J. Walker
New Rochelle, NY
J.J. my friend,
I usually avoid answering these types of questions but in the best interests of family harmony, I will try to help.
Question 1: YES. Beans and other pulses (dried edible seeds) contain an antipyretic factor that interferes with the digestion of proteins. The undigested protein is. worked on by bacteria to produce flatus. Fried foods also produce a lot of gas because they are so difficult to digest; a lot is left for the bacteria to work on.
Question 2: YES. Anything that speeds food through the digestive system (as excitement does) will create undigested food material reaching the colon, creating a feast for bacteria.
Question 3: Garlic inhibits the growth of bacteria and therefore REDUCES the amount of flatus.
Good Question!
QD
Pene de Carlos
Senor Quaid,
Mi pene ha estado muy herida y mi ano gotea sangre. Mi primo que Carlos dice que está porque forniqué con su madre. ¿Podría estar éste verdadero?
Carlos Buenos III
Mexico City, Mexico
Carlos, mi de habla amigo del español,
No está tan fácilmente convenció de Carlos' entrada. ¿Cómo sabría a menos que había estado con su madre también?
Recuerdos,
QD
Mi pene ha estado muy herida y mi ano gotea sangre. Mi primo que Carlos dice que está porque forniqué con su madre. ¿Podría estar éste verdadero?
Carlos Buenos III
Mexico City, Mexico
Carlos, mi de habla amigo del español,
No está tan fácilmente convenció de Carlos' entrada. ¿Cómo sabría a menos que había estado con su madre también?
Recuerdos,
QD
Nursing Home Abuse
Quaid,
My mother is in a convalescent home in Eureka Springs. I have been trying for years to persuade her to come and live with my husband and me so that we can save money for our childrens’ education. She flatly refuses. I have reached the end of my rope. What should I do?
Judi Miller-Miller
Little Rock, AK
Judi, my good woman, It sounds as if your mother has been sexually abused by your husband. I would recommend therapy for you and your incestuous family.
Good luck,
QD
My mother is in a convalescent home in Eureka Springs. I have been trying for years to persuade her to come and live with my husband and me so that we can save money for our childrens’ education. She flatly refuses. I have reached the end of my rope. What should I do?
Judi Miller-Miller
Little Rock, AK
Judi, my good woman, It sounds as if your mother has been sexually abused by your husband. I would recommend therapy for you and your incestuous family.
Good luck,
QD
Copaphrogia
Dear Quaid,
My doctor tells me my puppy is a Coprophagic. Does this mean that she could die? What exactly is Coprophagia and can it be cured?
Henry Townsend
Bixby, OK
Henry, my animal-loving friend,
Coprophagia is formal term for eating feces, whether it belongs to a dog or some other animal. Feces usually contain an undigested or semi-digested material that can provide needed nutrients for dogs. Nursing bitches naturally consume their puppies' feces to keep the nest clean and perhaps to keep predators from picking up the scent and harming the litter. In any event, what is perfectly acceptable to a canine is quite unacceptable to humans.
Treatment for Coprophagia involves several remedies. Feces should be picked up immediately from the yard to remove the opportunity to consume it. Training your dog to defecate on command (see House Training) will assist you with this. Bored dogs that are inactive or alone for long periods can become Coprophagiac. Exercise and stimulation are called for in these cases.
Some veterinarians have suggested that the behavior may be cause by a deficiency of B vitamins and vitamin K that can be found in feces.
Meaty diets often times result in aromatic stools so dry kibble is recommended. All such dogs should be fed a consistent, balanced diet in two or three short meals a day. Treating the pre-eaten food with monosodium glutamate (Accent) is said to make the stool undesirable. I have gotten mixed feedback on this practice.
Simple aversion therapy can be done by letting the dog approach the stool on a long lead. If he starts sniffing it, give a strong leash check. If he passes by, praise him.
Best of luck to you and your Coprophagic dog,
QD
My doctor tells me my puppy is a Coprophagic. Does this mean that she could die? What exactly is Coprophagia and can it be cured?
Henry Townsend
Bixby, OK
Henry, my animal-loving friend,
Coprophagia is formal term for eating feces, whether it belongs to a dog or some other animal. Feces usually contain an undigested or semi-digested material that can provide needed nutrients for dogs. Nursing bitches naturally consume their puppies' feces to keep the nest clean and perhaps to keep predators from picking up the scent and harming the litter. In any event, what is perfectly acceptable to a canine is quite unacceptable to humans.
Treatment for Coprophagia involves several remedies. Feces should be picked up immediately from the yard to remove the opportunity to consume it. Training your dog to defecate on command (see House Training) will assist you with this. Bored dogs that are inactive or alone for long periods can become Coprophagiac. Exercise and stimulation are called for in these cases.
Some veterinarians have suggested that the behavior may be cause by a deficiency of B vitamins and vitamin K that can be found in feces.
Meaty diets often times result in aromatic stools so dry kibble is recommended. All such dogs should be fed a consistent, balanced diet in two or three short meals a day. Treating the pre-eaten food with monosodium glutamate (Accent) is said to make the stool undesirable. I have gotten mixed feedback on this practice.
Simple aversion therapy can be done by letting the dog approach the stool on a long lead. If he starts sniffing it, give a strong leash check. If he passes by, praise him.
Best of luck to you and your Coprophagic dog,
QD
Military School
Dear Quaid Davis,
I would like to get your professional opinion on something that happened to me a long time ago but still affects me.
I am a Carpet Shampooer by trade. I come from a very wealthy family of doctors, lawyers and politicians. I was a spoiled rotten kid who got everything I every wanted. About the time I reached puberty I started to realize that I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t learn to respect people and their things. So, at my own request, I was enrolled in a military academy where I could learn some discipline.
I was enlisted with a group of 11 other cadets and our platoon was commanded by Captain Reginald Bovier. He was a sixth year cadet who would graduate to West Point at the end of my first year.
Our platoon practiced a nightly ritual that had a very profound impact on who I was to become. Each night after barracks inspection, we strip totally naked put on a long black hooded robe, and gather anonymously around the ping pong table in the Rec. Room. Once we 12 had completely encircled the table the Captain would enter wearing a spandex body suit with the crotch cut out of them. He would produce 13 shot glasses, a pair of dice, and a hand full of marbles; 12 white, and one black. We would each take a white marble and a shot glass, the Captain, of course, took the black marble, and a shot glass.
I would like to get your professional opinion on something that happened to me a long time ago but still affects me.
I am a Carpet Shampooer by trade. I come from a very wealthy family of doctors, lawyers and politicians. I was a spoiled rotten kid who got everything I every wanted. About the time I reached puberty I started to realize that I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t learn to respect people and their things. So, at my own request, I was enrolled in a military academy where I could learn some discipline.
I was enlisted with a group of 11 other cadets and our platoon was commanded by Captain Reginald Bovier. He was a sixth year cadet who would graduate to West Point at the end of my first year.
Our platoon practiced a nightly ritual that had a very profound impact on who I was to become. Each night after barracks inspection, we strip totally naked put on a long black hooded robe, and gather anonymously around the ping pong table in the Rec. Room. Once we 12 had completely encircled the table the Captain would enter wearing a spandex body suit with the crotch cut out of them. He would produce 13 shot glasses, a pair of dice, and a hand full of marbles; 12 white, and one black. We would each take a white marble and a shot glass, the Captain, of course, took the black marble, and a shot glass.
We would each in turn masturbate into our respective shot glasses and drop in our marbles. The Captain would then roll the dice. Each player would pass hiss glass to his right the rolled number of times. The dice would then be passed to the right until each player had rolled the dice once. At the end, the person that ended up with the black marble would be forced to drink all of the glasses of semen, then be sodomized by all the players.
If the captain ended up with the black marble, each player would be forced to drink their own glass of semen, then be sodmized by the captain. I only lasted about 3 semesters then I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was too humiliated to go back to my family so I sneaked off in the middle of the night and have made my own way. Did I make the correct decisions?
Lloyd Ratzenburger
Coweta, OK
Lloyd, my poor fellow,
I only finished 2 semesters myself. To answer your questions: Yes, No, Yes.
All my hopes,
QD
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