Dear Quaid,
A friend told me that you give good medical advice so,I am posing a medical question: Last week I was feeling a pang in my stomach that just wouldn't quit. I finally went to the bathroom where I experienced a 2-hour, bloody, and very painful bowel movement. When I had finished I looked in the bowl and it looked funny so, I reached in and grabbed a hunk of it. It had the consistency of half-mixed Jell-O No-Bake Cheesecake Mix®. There were hard balls in it that broke into a fine powder. I picked out several of the hard little balls to show my friends. I also sent a couple of balls in my letter for your examination. Should I be concerned?
Lefty Cartwright
McAlester, OK
Lefty, my friend, Upon examination of the hard little balls you found in your stool, I can only conclude that you are suffering from a rare bowel disorder known as Fecal Dehydration Syndrome, FDS. Most doctors would recommend a colostomy operation. I, on the other hand, feel as though this is unnecessary. FDS can be treated by using the following recipe:
Quaid's Frozen Cabbage Pops®
8¼ oz. goat milk
1¾ large heads of moldy cabbage.
2½ cans of Van Camp's® Pork and Beans
1¾ gallon sour 2% milk (at least 1 week old)
1½ lb. chopped broccoli stems
5 Tupperware® 8 position Popsicle molds
Yield 40 Frozen Cabbage Pops®, & 50-60 Cabbage Suppositories®, & Approx. 1½ pints Warm Cabbage Cocktails®.
Bring goat milk, 2%milk and Pork and Beans to a boil in a large Teflon© coated pot. Smash beans and lumpy milk with a potato masher. It is important to use only Van Camp's® Pork and Beans due to the texture of the beans. Using another brand or a generic brand may produce undesirable results. Cut cabbage into quarters and drop into pot. Use blender or food processor to puree broccoli stems. Use only the stems. Using the leafy part of the plant could cause even more intestinal problems. Stir them into pot slowly. Lower heat and simmer for 6-10 hours. (You may want to go to a movie or something cause the smell is awful) This process should also kill all the roaches in your house.
Mixture should be dark brown in color when finished. Using sterilized salad tongs, extract the cabbage leaves. These can now be used as rectal suppositories if you have hemorrhoids, or they can be dried, ground and smoked like marijuana for a pleasant hallucinogenic buzz. Pour liquid mixture into Popsicle molds and freeze. Un-frozen leftovers can be served in a variety of ways including: A nice soup, a pain relieving salve, an antibacterial ointment or, oven cleaner. (Send $13.95 and SASE for my 30-page color booklet: "101 Uses for Quaid's Frozen Cabbage Pop® Recipe" by Quaid Davis.)
Treatment:
One hour before a bowel movement, insert a Frozen Cabbage Pop® into your rectum until completely melted. Defecate as normal. Repeat process with each bowel movement until your feces is smooth and free of hard balls. Treatment usually takes 12-16 weeks. If condition persists, you may try eating the cabbage pops in addition to putting them in your rectum.
Best wishes,
QD
Fountain of Youth
Dear Quaid,
I saw a show on the Discovery Channel about some people in India that were living to be 120 years old. One of the elderly wonders said that he attributed his long life to the fact that he drank a glass of his own urine every day.
I decided to start drinking a glass of my urine every day so that I could live longer. I woke up this morning, peed in a juice glass, and drank it down in one gulp. It was very salty and warm. Within 10 minutes I was back in the bathroom vomiting, violently. I ended up staying in bed for the day. I am willing to give it another try if you can tell me what I did wrong.
Percy Davis
Manford, OK
Percy, good buddy, I too drink a glass of my own urine each day and it has done wonders for my energy level and hair growth. A lot of people engage in this practice. However, you should never drink your morning pee, It is much too strong after fermenting in the bladder overnight. Wait until bedtime and drink the last pee of the day. It is much fresher (and less salty) and contains a higher percentage of antibodies, vitamins and minerals. You should also consider dropping in an ice cube and sip it like a mint julep. Gulping down a glass of warm morning pee will make you sick every time.
Good luck and long life!
QD
I saw a show on the Discovery Channel about some people in India that were living to be 120 years old. One of the elderly wonders said that he attributed his long life to the fact that he drank a glass of his own urine every day.
I decided to start drinking a glass of my urine every day so that I could live longer. I woke up this morning, peed in a juice glass, and drank it down in one gulp. It was very salty and warm. Within 10 minutes I was back in the bathroom vomiting, violently. I ended up staying in bed for the day. I am willing to give it another try if you can tell me what I did wrong.
Percy Davis
Manford, OK
Percy, good buddy, I too drink a glass of my own urine each day and it has done wonders for my energy level and hair growth. A lot of people engage in this practice. However, you should never drink your morning pee, It is much too strong after fermenting in the bladder overnight. Wait until bedtime and drink the last pee of the day. It is much fresher (and less salty) and contains a higher percentage of antibodies, vitamins and minerals. You should also consider dropping in an ice cube and sip it like a mint julep. Gulping down a glass of warm morning pee will make you sick every time.
Good luck and long life!
QD
Fighting Addictions
Dear Quaid,
I have only recently realized that one of my greatest pleasures has become an addiction. It stated out harmless enough but has progressed over the years to the point where I have sacrificed everything I ever loved. I am now a homeless, family less, moneyless vagrant. I have killed men to support my vise and I fear I will again before I can be treated. What should I do?
One Pathetic Addict.
Well, my anonymous addict friend, It may seem hard to believe but I was once an addict just like you. In my case, I was nearly hopelessly addicted to Dwarf Tossing. I sacrificed all I loved for it. The best advice I can give you is to get completely away from the people, places and things that make you want to toss a dwarf around.
Good luck,
QD
I have only recently realized that one of my greatest pleasures has become an addiction. It stated out harmless enough but has progressed over the years to the point where I have sacrificed everything I ever loved. I am now a homeless, family less, moneyless vagrant. I have killed men to support my vise and I fear I will again before I can be treated. What should I do?
One Pathetic Addict.
Well, my anonymous addict friend, It may seem hard to believe but I was once an addict just like you. In my case, I was nearly hopelessly addicted to Dwarf Tossing. I sacrificed all I loved for it. The best advice I can give you is to get completely away from the people, places and things that make you want to toss a dwarf around.
Good luck,
QD
Big Love
Quaid,
I am a 42 year old divorced woman who has recently discovered my homosexuality. Unfortunately, in my years of self-neglect, my weight has escalated to upwards of 900lbs and I am unable to get a date. I fear that I will die and be buried in a piano box before I can experience true sexual pleasure. What would you suggest?
Big Love.
You poor poor woman, I can truly sympathize with your situation. Not only did I battle obesity as a young man, I also struggled with my innermost emotional hang-ups. It really sucked in high school not knowing whether I wanted to peep into the boys, or girl's locker room. When I finally came to terms with my bisexuality in my senior year, I was so overweight, I couldn't tie my own shoes. After losing all that extra weight, it took me another year for me to figure out whether I wanted to pitch or catch when I was with a gay partner. The way I see it you have three choices:
1. Begin a rigorous training program and shed those extra 800lbs.
2. Seek out an obese woman such as yourself for plutonic companion ship. (Sex would of course be physically impossible)
3. Kill yourself. If you continue gaining weight, you will need to be buried in a U-haul trailer, which is much more expensive than a piano box.
If you choose Option 1, do not attempt to use a Stair Master until you have dropped to 400lbs. or less. I broke a Stair Master when I was losing weight and it cost $375.00 to repair.
Good luck!
QD
I am a 42 year old divorced woman who has recently discovered my homosexuality. Unfortunately, in my years of self-neglect, my weight has escalated to upwards of 900lbs and I am unable to get a date. I fear that I will die and be buried in a piano box before I can experience true sexual pleasure. What would you suggest?
Big Love.
You poor poor woman, I can truly sympathize with your situation. Not only did I battle obesity as a young man, I also struggled with my innermost emotional hang-ups. It really sucked in high school not knowing whether I wanted to peep into the boys, or girl's locker room. When I finally came to terms with my bisexuality in my senior year, I was so overweight, I couldn't tie my own shoes. After losing all that extra weight, it took me another year for me to figure out whether I wanted to pitch or catch when I was with a gay partner. The way I see it you have three choices:
1. Begin a rigorous training program and shed those extra 800lbs.
2. Seek out an obese woman such as yourself for plutonic companion ship. (Sex would of course be physically impossible)
3. Kill yourself. If you continue gaining weight, you will need to be buried in a U-haul trailer, which is much more expensive than a piano box.
If you choose Option 1, do not attempt to use a Stair Master until you have dropped to 400lbs. or less. I broke a Stair Master when I was losing weight and it cost $375.00 to repair.
Good luck!
QD
Tampon Machine
Quaid,I just purchased a tampon machine at a garage sale. Can you help me locate a key for the coinbox? It is a 1974 Everfresh® Model 6807 -SS Serial Number XZC-2185-0016072963. It is the deluxe model with the brushed stainless steel finish. It is in remarkable condition and appears to be full of money. I know its worth about $2000.00 dollars so I didn't mind paying $750.00 at a Garage Sale for it even without the key. I have enclosed a photo of it for your collection. I would also like to get a new decal for it.
Thanking you in advance,
Doris Bradley
My dear Doris, Your 6807 is in pristine condition. In fact, it is one of the nicest ‘74 models I have seen. Unfortunately, The Everfresh® Tampon Machine Company went out of business during the toxic shock scare in the mid 80's. I have a similar model to yours but my key is a circular type like you would find in a Coke® Machine. I had it retrofitted a couple of years ago and the re-fitters kept my old key.
I can put you in touch with a dear old friend of mine who services condom machines. He maybe able to cut out your old lock and kluge in a new one. It won't look as good as it does with the original lock but you don't have many other options.
You could run an ad in your local news paper to see if someone has a similar key that you could use to force the coin box door open and get at that money but the Model 6807-SS is a rare bird, not to mention, a virtual fortress.
The decal on the other hand is a bit more promising. In early 1990, The Everfresh® Tampon Machine Decal Reproduction Company opened in Detroit. They, as the name would suggest, manufacture replicas of Everfresh® Tampon Machine decals. It is a very lucrative business for them and they will have a brand new decal for your machine in stock. For a few hundred dollars extra, you can even get a custom decal with your logo printed on it.
Their address is:
The Everfresh® Tampon Machine Decal Reproduction Company
3030 Clover Road
Detroit, Michigan 23515
My condom machine repair technician friends address is:
Wallace Cornwahl
c/o Cornwahl Condom Machine Service
8705 Goat River Falls Hiway.
Madison, Wisconsin 30014
Enjoy your tampon machine,
QD
Broken Toothpick
Dear Quaid,
I accidentally got a toothpick broken off in my pecker hole. What should I do?
Jack T. Temper
Jack, good buddy, you have really gotten yourself into a pickle haven't you? Or should I say that you have gotten yourself something into your pickle? At any rate, you must be experiencing a great deal of discomfort. I would recommend masturbating until the toothpick can be loosened enough to be pulled out. If you don't get it out soon you run the risk of infection which could have some long term repercussions.
Be extremely careful not to force the toothpick further into your penile orifice as it could cause you further discomfort not to mention, do serious damage to the hole. You can try using needle nose pliers but try not break or splinter the toothpick in the process of extracting it.
In the future if you feel as though you must put foreign objects into your penis, I would suggest using nylon cable ties. They are unbreakable, more stimulating than toothpicks, they are longer for deeper penile penetration, plus they are easy to retrieve via the latching mechanism molded on one end.
Best of luck,
QD
I accidentally got a toothpick broken off in my pecker hole. What should I do?
Jack T. Temper
Jack, good buddy, you have really gotten yourself into a pickle haven't you? Or should I say that you have gotten yourself something into your pickle? At any rate, you must be experiencing a great deal of discomfort. I would recommend masturbating until the toothpick can be loosened enough to be pulled out. If you don't get it out soon you run the risk of infection which could have some long term repercussions.
Be extremely careful not to force the toothpick further into your penile orifice as it could cause you further discomfort not to mention, do serious damage to the hole. You can try using needle nose pliers but try not break or splinter the toothpick in the process of extracting it.
In the future if you feel as though you must put foreign objects into your penis, I would suggest using nylon cable ties. They are unbreakable, more stimulating than toothpicks, they are longer for deeper penile penetration, plus they are easy to retrieve via the latching mechanism molded on one end.
Best of luck,
QD
Constipation Backache
Dear Quaid,
I have been incredibly constipated lately. I’ve been so constipated that I have a backache What can I do?
George Mahan
Phoenix, AZ
George, good comrade, You are probably eating too much cheese, and not enough cabbage. For the constipation I recommend drinking a 16 oz. bottle of Phillips Milk of Magnesium® Don't go to sleep for 18 or 20 hours, or you will awaken to an unpleasant surprise.
If the Milk of Magnesium® causes you to have diarrhea, drink a 12 oz. bottle of Pepto Bismol® Repeat the process for 20-30 days until you are regular.
For the backache, you probably just need to evacuate your bowels. I would use the afore mentioned treatment until the backache subsides
Best Wishes, QD
I have been incredibly constipated lately. I’ve been so constipated that I have a backache What can I do?
George Mahan
Phoenix, AZ
George, good comrade, You are probably eating too much cheese, and not enough cabbage. For the constipation I recommend drinking a 16 oz. bottle of Phillips Milk of Magnesium® Don't go to sleep for 18 or 20 hours, or you will awaken to an unpleasant surprise.
If the Milk of Magnesium® causes you to have diarrhea, drink a 12 oz. bottle of Pepto Bismol® Repeat the process for 20-30 days until you are regular.
For the backache, you probably just need to evacuate your bowels. I would use the afore mentioned treatment until the backache subsides
Best Wishes, QD
Gang Rape at Van Halen Concert
Quaid,
When I was 12 years old I was gang raped by my 7th grade gym class. You look remarkably like the coach who encouraged, then covered up, my molestation. Were you a gym coach in 1985 at Thief River Falls Jr. High in Thief River Falls Minnesota?
Gustavé Broward
Thief River Falls, MN.
Gus, old pal of mine; I was a jr. high school gym coach at Thief River Falls Jr. High from 1979 to 1984. My replacement, Ralph Hurley, was probably your coach. He was a perverted old man who often videotaped his students in the shower. He was convicted and sentenced to 40 years in prison, for inciting a gang rape at a Van Halen concert in Detroit in 1987.
Great to hear from you,
QD
When I was 12 years old I was gang raped by my 7th grade gym class. You look remarkably like the coach who encouraged, then covered up, my molestation. Were you a gym coach in 1985 at Thief River Falls Jr. High in Thief River Falls Minnesota?
Gustavé Broward
Thief River Falls, MN.
Gus, old pal of mine; I was a jr. high school gym coach at Thief River Falls Jr. High from 1979 to 1984. My replacement, Ralph Hurley, was probably your coach. He was a perverted old man who often videotaped his students in the shower. He was convicted and sentenced to 40 years in prison, for inciting a gang rape at a Van Halen concert in Detroit in 1987.
Great to hear from you,
QD
Gas Mileage or Gay Bars
Hi Quaid,
I accidentally overheard a conversation at my local pub that I found interesting: Apparently this one fellow was telling another that he put a cucumber in his gas hole. I couldn’t hear all of the exchange but I assumed it had something to do with increased gas mileage.
On my way home I stopped at Stax® where I was able to purchase a fresh cucumber and a tank of gas. I had to whittle the cucumber with my pocketknife to get it into my gas hole where it is still firmly wedged. I have yet to see any improvement in my gas mileage, what’s the deal?
Jerry Matherson
Beaver Falls, SD
Jerry, my friend, When ever you eavesdrop on the conversations of strangers, you run the risk of acting on misinformation; as you have done in this case. The two gentlemen were probably talking about the new sexual fad called cucumber. This disgusting practice involves the insertion of a cucumber in the rectum while masturbating to gay pornography.
You obviously have obviously been hanging out in too many alternative lifestyle clubs (gay bars).
I ask you my friend, what’s the deal?
QD
I accidentally overheard a conversation at my local pub that I found interesting: Apparently this one fellow was telling another that he put a cucumber in his gas hole. I couldn’t hear all of the exchange but I assumed it had something to do with increased gas mileage.
On my way home I stopped at Stax® where I was able to purchase a fresh cucumber and a tank of gas. I had to whittle the cucumber with my pocketknife to get it into my gas hole where it is still firmly wedged. I have yet to see any improvement in my gas mileage, what’s the deal?
Jerry Matherson
Beaver Falls, SD
Jerry, my friend, When ever you eavesdrop on the conversations of strangers, you run the risk of acting on misinformation; as you have done in this case. The two gentlemen were probably talking about the new sexual fad called cucumber. This disgusting practice involves the insertion of a cucumber in the rectum while masturbating to gay pornography.
You obviously have obviously been hanging out in too many alternative lifestyle clubs (gay bars).
I ask you my friend, what’s the deal?
QD
Motherly Love
Dear Quaid,
I have a strange desire to masturbate when ever I see a dairy cow. Is this possibly a normal hormonal reaction triggered by being breast fed until I was 9 years old?
Morty Callahan Jr.
Bixby, OK
Morty, you poor man, It is quite possible that your urges to masturbate are caused by your prolonged bonding with your obviously perverted mother but I have a feeling that the root of your problem stems from your unresolved hatred for your father who sexually abused you into your adolescence.
I would strongly recommend that you see a doctor about your little problem. He will probably recommend that you wear a cobalt penile restraint belt and suck on a pacifier for 6 to 9 months.
I wish you the best my friend.
QD
I have a strange desire to masturbate when ever I see a dairy cow. Is this possibly a normal hormonal reaction triggered by being breast fed until I was 9 years old?
Morty Callahan Jr.
Bixby, OK
Morty, you poor man, It is quite possible that your urges to masturbate are caused by your prolonged bonding with your obviously perverted mother but I have a feeling that the root of your problem stems from your unresolved hatred for your father who sexually abused you into your adolescence.
I would strongly recommend that you see a doctor about your little problem. He will probably recommend that you wear a cobalt penile restraint belt and suck on a pacifier for 6 to 9 months.
I wish you the best my friend.
QD
Reconstructive Surgery on the Cheap
Quaid,
I need some legal advice I am half way through a sex change operation. My gay lover William, whom I have been seeing off and on for the past 2 years, I first met when he was a straight married man. We became fast friends after meeting in a local sports bar. We slammed about 10 shots a piece. He was having a spat with his spouse and was on a drinking binge. I too was on a drinking binge having just been ousted by my Latino lover. One thing led to another and we ended up in a motel across the street from the bar.
The next 8 weeks went by at light speed. William left his wife and moved into my beach house. We were in love. Over time William began to drift away from me. I started noticing that he was eyeing women when ever we would go out. It was very difficult but I managed to finally get him to tell me what was wrong. He told me that everything about me was wonderful except that he really liked breasts. He didn’t know how much longer he could do without. I really wasn’t crazy about the Idea but I finally agreed to have a sex change. William was thrilled.
For the first six months of my therapy he was a genuine doll. About the time I had my penis removed and my breasts had reached their pre-determined size, my former Latino lover returned to the area and began harassing William. After several violent confrontations, Julio and William agreed to sit down and discuss the problem over dinner. Everything seemed to be working out fine until one day I came home to find Julio and William, who was wearing my favorite negligee, making love in my bed. I immediately threw William and his things out of my house and I called the immigration and naturalization authorities and Julio was soon deported.
The problem is : I don’t want to be a woman anymore. Do I have adequate grounds for a law suit? Can I get My penis put back on? I have kept it in the freezer with hopes of having it re-attached someday.
Pat Wilson
San Francisco, CA
Pat, my unfortunate friend, I was once knew a guy who was sued by his gay, partially transsexual, lover in an Arizona court. The case was promptly thrown out and the penis-less plaintiff had to leave town.
Several years later they were reunited via the classified ads in a fetish magazine. My associate learned that the plaintiff had gone to Mexico and checked into a sleazy clinic where he subsequently had a replacement penis fashioned out of a part of his overly large buttocks, and a teflon rod.
So not only did he get his penis back, he was able to have some of the unsightly fat removed from his buttocks. If I were you I would search the Internet for a similar Mexican clinic where you can have this procedure performed. It is probably pretty cheap.
Good luck and warm wishes,
QD
I need some legal advice I am half way through a sex change operation. My gay lover William, whom I have been seeing off and on for the past 2 years, I first met when he was a straight married man. We became fast friends after meeting in a local sports bar. We slammed about 10 shots a piece. He was having a spat with his spouse and was on a drinking binge. I too was on a drinking binge having just been ousted by my Latino lover. One thing led to another and we ended up in a motel across the street from the bar.
The next 8 weeks went by at light speed. William left his wife and moved into my beach house. We were in love. Over time William began to drift away from me. I started noticing that he was eyeing women when ever we would go out. It was very difficult but I managed to finally get him to tell me what was wrong. He told me that everything about me was wonderful except that he really liked breasts. He didn’t know how much longer he could do without. I really wasn’t crazy about the Idea but I finally agreed to have a sex change. William was thrilled.
For the first six months of my therapy he was a genuine doll. About the time I had my penis removed and my breasts had reached their pre-determined size, my former Latino lover returned to the area and began harassing William. After several violent confrontations, Julio and William agreed to sit down and discuss the problem over dinner. Everything seemed to be working out fine until one day I came home to find Julio and William, who was wearing my favorite negligee, making love in my bed. I immediately threw William and his things out of my house and I called the immigration and naturalization authorities and Julio was soon deported.
The problem is : I don’t want to be a woman anymore. Do I have adequate grounds for a law suit? Can I get My penis put back on? I have kept it in the freezer with hopes of having it re-attached someday.
Pat Wilson
San Francisco, CA
Pat, my unfortunate friend, I was once knew a guy who was sued by his gay, partially transsexual, lover in an Arizona court. The case was promptly thrown out and the penis-less plaintiff had to leave town.
Several years later they were reunited via the classified ads in a fetish magazine. My associate learned that the plaintiff had gone to Mexico and checked into a sleazy clinic where he subsequently had a replacement penis fashioned out of a part of his overly large buttocks, and a teflon rod.
So not only did he get his penis back, he was able to have some of the unsightly fat removed from his buttocks. If I were you I would search the Internet for a similar Mexican clinic where you can have this procedure performed. It is probably pretty cheap.
Good luck and warm wishes,
QD
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